by G. R. Grove
Cast:
- Thor, a burly red-bearded God.
- Loki, a smaller red-headed God.
- Heimdall, a normal-sized good-looking God.
- Freyja, a buxom blonde Goddess.
- Other Gods, assorted, as available. (Definitely NOT including Odin, who is away on business.)
- Thrym the Giant, a burly gray-haired Giant.
- Thrym’s Sister, an old Giantess.
- Two Other Giants (A and B), as available.
- Narrator.
PROLOGUE:
Narrator: This is a story from of the very long ago, a story of the old Norse Gods. Now, as all of you should know, Thor, who speaks with the thunder and rides the storm, was the strongest of the Norse Gods. He defended Asgard, their home, against all enemies, and especially against the Giants. He did this by using his three great treasures: his Hammer, and his iron gloves, and his belt of strength. But the greatest of these three was his Hammer, called Mjollnir, which hit anything it was thrown at, and always returned at once to his hand, ready for another blow. Because it was so precious, he always kept it with him, even in his bed at night when he slept. But one morning when he awoke, he found that it was missing…
SCENE 1: Asgard.
Thor’s bedroom, a typical bachelor establishment. The scene is set with a few bits of masculine furnishings – a folding chair, a table with an empty beer mug on it, a few pieces of clothing and shoes strewn about. Thor lies sleeping in blankets or a sleeping bag stage center, snoring loudly. He slowly awakes, yawns, and stretches out his hand for the Hammer. It’s missing. He gropes around, sits up, and begins to search frantically.
Thor: (Shouting with increasing volume.) Where is it? Where IS it!? WHERE IS MJOLLNIR!!?? (Loki enters to Thor.)
Loki: (Yawning.) What’s the matter, Thor? Why are you yelling? It’s too early in the day for this.
Thor: (Still searching frantically.) MY HAMMER! I can’t find it! I CAN’T FIND IT ANYWHERE!!!
Loki: Maybe you lost it last night. You were pretty drunk, after all – even drunker than I was.
Thor: (Ignoring him, still searching and shouting.) AAARRGGHHHH!!! MY HAMMER!!! MY HAMMER!!! MY HAMMER HAS BEEN STOLEN!!! (Heimdall, Freyja, and other Gods enter, drawn by the noise.)
Heimdall: What’s wrong?
Loki: He’s lost his Hammer. (Other Gods join in search, looking under clothes, sleeping bag, and furniture, in shoes and beer mug.)
Heimdall: (After a while.) It isn’t here, guys.
Thor: It’s been stolen!!! Stolen!!! STOLEN!!!! I NEED IT BACK!!!!! NOW!!!! (Wincing, Gods put hands over their ears.)
Loki: (Uncovering ears cautiously.) Maybe I should go and look for it.
Freyja: That’s a good idea, Loki. You can borrow my bird suit to help you search. Come on, we’ll go get it.
Loki: Thank you, Freyja, I’ll do that. (He and Freyja exit stage left. After looking around a bit more, the other Gods, shrugging, exit stage right, taking the distraught Thor and his possessions with them.)
SCENE 2: Jotunheim.
An empty stage, possibly with a couple of stunted “trees” in pots. Loki enters stage left, wearing Freyja’s “bird suit” – a couple of feather dusters and a chicken hat. He flaps around searching. Giant A wanders in stage right.
Loki: Hey, Giant! Have you seen a lost Hammer around here?
Giant A: Umm… (Scratches head, checks pockets, shakes head.) Nope. Don’t think so.
Loki: OK, thanks. (Giant A wanders off again stage right. Loki continues searching. Giant B enters stage right.)
Loki: Hey, Giant! Have you seen a lost Hammer around here?
Giant B: Umm… (Scratches head.) Hammer… Big metal thing with a handle?
Loki: Yes! Yes, that’s a Hammer. Have you seen one here today?
Giant B: Umm… (Checks pockets, pulls out large screwdriver.) This?
Loki: (sighing). No. No, that’s not a Hammer. Thanks anyway. (Giant B wanders off stage right. Loki still searching. Thrym the Giant enters stage right.)
Loki: Hey, Thrym! Have you seen a lost Hammer around here?
Thrym: Umm… Big metal thing with a handle? Belongs to Thor?
Loki: (Excited.) Yes! Yes, that’s what I’m looking for! Have you seen it?
Thrym: (Craftily.) I might have.
Loki: (Still excited.) Where? Where is it?
Thrym: Somewhere you won’t find it, unless you pay my price.
Loki: (Slowly.) Your … your price? You stole it??
Thrym: (Craftily.) I might have.
Loki: So … what do you want for it?
Thrym: Not much.
Loki: How much?
Thrym: Well, I need a wife, and I was thinking…
Loki: (Worried now.) Yes?
Thrym: I’ve always liked yellow hair. So…
Loki: (Really worried now.) Yes?
Thrym: I want to marry Freyja. (Loki groans.)
Loki: Wouldn’t someone else do as well? We have some nice Valkyries this year. Big girls, tall, long yellow hair, just the thing for a hefty guy like you. Passionate, too, some of them. (Chuckles.)
Thrym: (Shaking head.) Nah, they’re always too busy. Always flying off to battlefields for dead heroes. I want a wife I can depend on, one who’ll stay home, one who really knows how to treat a man right. Har, har!
Loki: (Desperately.) Well, maybe I could get you two of them? Three? They could, ah, do shifts?
Thrym: (Stubbornly.) Nope, not what I had in mind at all. Tell the Aesir that if Thor wants his Hammer back, it’s Freyja or nothing.
Loki: (Sighing, to himself.) Oh boy, she isn’t going to like this. (To Thrym.) Well, I’ll do my best, Thrym. See you soon. (Loki flaps off stage left, Thrym exits stage right. Giants A and B collect “trees” and follow him.)
SCENE 3: Asgard.
Gods and Freyja sitting around drinking in a silent gloomy bunch. Loki fraps on from stage left.
Loki: Hey guys, great news! I’ve found Thor’s Hammer! (Gods leap up, shouting all at once.)
Gods: You have? Who took it? Where is it? Great! (Etc.)
Thor: Where is it? Give it to me now! I need it!
Loki: (Taking off bird suit and handing it to Freyja.) Well, I don’t have it just yet, but I know where it is.
Thor: Where? Why didn’t you bring it back? I NEED it!!!
Loki: Well, there’s one little hitch…
Heimdall: Who has it, Loki?
Loki: Thrym the Giant.
Heimdall: Won’t he give it back?
Loki: Oh, sure, he will. But…
Thor: BUT???
Loki: He wants – ah – something it return. Mmm. That’s all. Just a trade…
Heimdall: What does he want?
Loki: Well, er…
Thor: I need it NOW!!!
Loki: Right, no problem, Thor. You’ll get it soon. It’s just that…
Heimdall: Loki, what does he want?
Loki: He, er, wants a wife…
Freyja: (Appalled.) A wife? Oh, the poor woman!
Loki: A wife.
Thor: Who? What? I need my HAMMER!!!
Heimdall: What sort of wife?
Loki: A, ah, a wife with – with – yellow hair.
Heimdall: A Valkyrie?
Loki. Mmm. Not a Valkyrie. Er, someone else. (Gods look around, puzzled. Slowly everyone’s gaze settles on Freyja.)
Heimdall: Loki, I hope you don’t mean what I think you mean.
Thor: Who? What? I need my Hammer NOW!!!
Freyja: (Suspiciously.) Why is everyone looking at me? Loki…
Loki: Er, well, because… because…
Heimdall: Loki, spit it out.
Loki: (In a rush) He wants to marry Freyja!
Freyja: WHAT!!! (Everyone winces at her volume, puts hands over ears.)
Loki: (to Freyja) He wants to marry you. That’s all. (Weak laugh.) Ha-ha!
Freyja: Loki, have you promised me to some scummy Giant? As his wife? Loki?
Loki: Er, no. (Gods heave sighs of relief.) I, ah, I just said I’d ask you.
Freyja: (Angrily.)This is a joke, right? Right? Some of your famous humor? (Taps foot on ground.)
Loki: Er. No.
Thor: (Puzzled.) Why is Freyja mad?
Heimdall: (To Thor.) Thrym the Giant wants to marry her in exchange for your Hammer.
Thor: Oh. (Looks at Freyja.) You don’t mind, do you, Freyja? Cause I HAVE to get Mjollnir back!
Freyja: (Through clenched teeth.) Yes, Thor, I do mind. I mind a lot. In fact, (Shouts) THERE IS NO WAY I AM AGREEING TO THIS!!! NONE!!!! (Everyone winces at her volume, puts hands over ears.) Is that clear?
Thor: (Weakly.) But – but – but… I have to get my Hammer back!
Freyja: In that case, Thor, you can go marry Thrym yourself! I’M NOT GOING TO!!! (Stomps off stage right. Gods slowly uncover their ears.)
Heimdall: (Slowly and thoughtfully after a moment.) You know, Thor, that’s not a bad idea.
Thor: Huh? What? What is? I need my HAMMER…
Loki: Heimdall, do you mean what I think you mean?
Heimdall: (Starting to grin.) Well, I think Thor would make a very fetching bride. And there’s no need to, er, consummate the union…
Thor: Huh? What?
Heimdall: (On Thor’s right – Thor looks back and forth, confused, during the following exchange.) It’s OK, Thor. We have a plan to get your Hammer back.
Thor: How?
Loki: (On Thor’s left.) We’ll dress you up as Freyja and send you to Jotunheim in her place.
Thor: What? Dress me as Freyja? NO WAY!
Heimdall: (On Thor’s right.) It’s the only way to get your Hammer back.
Thor: But… but I’m Macho Man Thor! If people see me in a dress, they’ll think… they’ll think… NO!! NO WAY!!!
Loki: (Soothingly.) It won’t be for long, Thor. And once you get your hands on your Hammer, you’ll prove them wrong.
Thor: (Whimpering.) My Hammer. My Hammer. My precioussss….
Heimdall: (Still grinning.) And of course you’ll need a bridesmaid…
Thor: A bridesmaid? (Gods look around, then slowly everyone looks at Loki.)
Heimdall: A crafty bridesmaid to speak for you before the ceremony. (Loki looks at everyone, sighs.)
Loki: Right. Look, Thor, if I can wear a dress to get your Hammer back, you can too. Deal?
Thor: My Hammer. My Hammer. (Groans.) Deal.
Loki: Good man. Just think about smashing skulls, and let me do the talking. ALL the talking, Thor. OK? (Thor begins to smile.) Oh, Freyja! Come on back! We need your help.
Narrator: The Gods dressed Thor and Loki as women. It took a while… (Dressing goes on in comic dumb show as the Gods try one garment and then another on their two reluctant victims. Thor rejects their first two or three attempts.)
Narrator: Quite a while, in fact… (Dressing continues. At last the Gods settle on a sort of apron dress for Thor, and the same for Loki. Freyja finishes it all off by putting a lacy pink veil over Thor’s head, long enough to cover his red beard.)
Narrator: But at last they were ready…
Heimdall: OK, guys, we’ve done our best for you. The rest is up to you.
Loki: Thanks, I think. Come on, Thor. Just remember – let me do all the talking, and think about cracking skulls – lots of them. (Thor and Loki, disguised, exit stage left; the other Gods exit stage right, taking any remaining props with them.)
SCENE 4: Jotunheim.
The scene is laid for a feast – a long table with an “ox” and “salmon” on platters, large pitchers, assorted cups and trenchers. Stools or benches stand on either side for diners. (Giants carry these things in during scene change.) Thrym, his Sister, and other Giants A and B stand around awaiting their guests.
Sister: Do you think they’ll come, Thrym?
Thrym: They’ll come. Thor has to get his Hammer back. Without it, he can’t protect Asgard against us. They’ll come.
Sister: But if they don’t…
Thrym: (Smacks Giant A, who is prodding the “ox”.) Leave that alone, you fool! (To his Sister.) They’ll come. They have to… Listen! Here they are now!
(Loki and Thor enter stage left, Loki leading Thor, who can barely see through the veil. Thrym goes forward to greet them.)
Thrym: So this must be the lovely Freyja in person! But so shy… (He reaches for the veil, but Loki slaps his hand aside.)
Loki: Ah, ah! No peeking!
Thrym: (Rubbing his hand, to Loki.) Who are you, ugly?
Loki: I’m Freyja’s bridesmaid.
Thrym: (Laughs.) Har, har! You’ll be a bridesmaid for a long time, fox-face! Well, let’s start the feast! (He waves them toward the table. Loki leads Thor to a stool at one end, while Thrym sits at the other end.) Pour some mead for our guests, Sister!
Sister: (Mutters.) OK, OK, I’m working as fast as I can… (She takes a large pitcher and a dainty goblet and approaches Thor to pour for him, but Thor grabs the pitcher out of her hands and quaffs it all down, then holds it out, empty, for more.)
Thor: (In a high, squeaky voice.) More! (Thrym’s Sister brings another pitcher, and Thor drinks that too.) More!
Sister: Stones and rocks! What manners!
Thrym: (Astonished.) By all the Giants in Jotunheim, what a thirst she has! I’ve never seen a woman drink like that before! She’ll drink all our cellars dry before she’s through!
Loki: (Apologetically.) Ah, well, she doesn’t usually drink that much. The thing is, Thrym, she’s been so, so excited about her wedding with you that she hasn’t been able to drink a drop in days.
Thrym: (Relieved.) Oh, I see. (To Thor.) Can’t wait to make it with a real stud, eh, Freyja, gal? Great! Sister, pour some mead for the rest of us, if there’s any left, and pass the food to Freyja.
Sister: (Mutters.) OK, OK, I’m working as fast as I can… (She pours mead in cups for Thrym and Loki, pushes Giant B out of her way, then starts to pass the tray with the “ox” – a piñata-like construction – to Thor, but he grabs it out of her hands, sets it down on top of his trencher, and begins to tear the “legs” off the “ox”. He mimes eating, then throws the “bones” over his shoulder.)
Thor: (In a high, squeaky voice.) More! (Thrym’s Sister, astonished, passes him the plate of “salmon” and he repeats the performance.) More!
Sister: Stones and rocks! What manners!
Thrym: (Astonished.) By all the Giants in Jotunheim, what an appetite she has! I’ve never seen a woman eat like that before! She’ll eat us out of house and home before she’s through!
Loki: (Apologetically.) Ah, well, she doesn’t usually eat that much. The thing is, Thrym, she’s been so, so excited about her wedding with you that she hasn’t been able to eat a bite in days.
Thrym: (Relieved.) Oh, I see. (To Thor.) Can’t wait for a little of the old back-and-forth-y, eh, Freyja? Great! Sister, bring the rest of us some food, if there’s any left. Then we’ll get down to business.
Sister: (Looking around.) I don’t think there’s anything left.
Thrym: Oh, well, it doesn’t matter. I’m not hungry anyway – not for food, har, har! (Grinning, he stands up and approaches Thor.) How’s about a little kiss for your about-to-be husband before the ceremony, Freyja? Just to get acquainted… (Before Loki can stop him, Thrym grasps Thor’s veil and leans forward, meaning to lift it and kiss him. But he sees Thor’s glaring red eyes through the veil’s mesh and recoils, frightened.) Ice and fire! Her eyes! Her eyes! Her eyes are glowing red! What have you brought me for a wife?
Loki: (Pushing him away from Thor, who is visibly quivering.) Ah, well, don’t worry, Thrym. The thing is, Freyja’s been so, so excited about her wedding with you that she hasn’t been able to sleep in days. That’s why her eyes are so red. She’ll be all right tomorrow.
Thrym: (Not entirely convinced.) Oh. Well, if you say so. I was just – just startled. (Laughs.) Har, har! Bet she won’t be getting much sleep tonight, either! I’ll see to that! (He laughs again raucously.) Well, let’s get on with the wedding! Sister, bring me Thor’s Hammer to bless the bride!
Sister: (Mutters.) OK, OK, I’m working as fast as I can… (Exits stage left and returns brandishing the huge Hammer.) But first, I have a right to ask her for a gift. (To Thor.) What will you give me, sister-in-law-to-be, for my place as mistress of my brother’s household?
Thor: (Mumbles in a squeaky voice.) What’s coming to you, bitch. (Loki, looking around, takes a step backwards, away from Thor.)
Sister: Say that again louder, sister-in-law. I couldn’t hear you.
Thor: (Still mumbling in a squeaky voice.) I said, you’ll get what’s coming to you! (Loki takes two more steps backward.)
Sister: (Going closer to Thor.) What’s that? I still can’t hear you. It’s a mighty gift you owe me, I can tell you, and I won’t let you touch this Hammer unless you promise me something good.
Thor: (Bellowing in his own voice.) I SAID, you’ll get WHAT’S COMING TO YOU!!! (Everyone claps hands over their ears.)
Sister: Stones and rocks! What manners! All right, all right! (In a sing-song.) By the Hammer of Thor, I bless this union! May it be fruitful! (She places the Hammer in Thor’s lap as Loki takes several more backward steps toward the wings.)
Thor: (Softly.) My Hammer… (He grasps Mjollnir’s handle and stands up, tearing off his veil.) Now … you will all … get what’s coming to you! (Shouting.) RECEIVE THE HAMMER OF THOR!!! (In a fighting frenzy he strikes down one Giant after another, overturns the table, kicks the stools across the stage, and stands quivering in the wreckage, looking around for someone or something else to kill.)
Loki: (Approaching him cautiously after a moment.) Good job, Thor. I think they’re all dead now.
Thor: (Shudders, then sighs and looks around. Speaks in a calm, rational voice unlike his earlier shouting.) Yes. Yes, I think you’re right, Loki. (Looking around again.) Pity. I was just getting warmed up. (Patting Hammer head and hugging it to him.) Oh, well. I’m afraid I’ve worked up an appetite again. Let’s go home. (The two Gods exit stage left, Thor leading, while the dead Giants arise and slowly begin to clear away the wreckage as the Narrator speaks.)
Narrator: That is the end of our story for today. But, you may wonder, who stole Thor’s Hammer in the first place, out of his Giant-proof hall in Asgard? Although we may have our suspicions, the Lore does not say. But we do know that Thor never let his Hammer get far from his hand again – especially when Loki was around!
(Cast comes forward to take a bow.)
